The Safest Plan
by WadeH
Summary: Ever wonder how Mr. Darcy survived a decade of being targeted by every matchmaking mother in England? He had to participate in society, so how did he pull it off? Imagine he laboriously worked out a system to keep himself safe and followed it rigidly. (Short vignette, on the silly side)


_A/N: Welcome back to my loyal readers and a hearty welcome to new ones!_

_This little vignette follows my Dialogue‑Only style from The Wedding Afternoon and Emma Bee. It's set at the Meryton Assembly. A small anachronism warning. This is Regency, but as a reviewer pointed out, I slightly depend on a custom that didn't start for about 50 years._

_Wade_

* * *

"Mr. Darcy, as requested, please allow me the pleasure of making you known to Mr. Jason Goulding. Jason, Mr. Darcy of Pemberley in Derbyshire."

"A pleasure, Mr. Goulding."

"Likewise, Mr. Darcy."

"I shall leave you gentlemen to it."

"Thank you, Sir. William."

"Always a pleasure, Sir William."

"Mr. Darcy, Sir William implied you wish to meet me specifically. How may I be of service?"

"No small talk, eh! I like that."

"You have the look of a man on a mission, Mr. Darcy."

"In a manner of speaking, Mr. Goulding. Do you mind if I ask you a somewhat personal question?"

"Not at all. Nobody will hear us in this corner."

"What is your opinion on matrimony, Sir?"

"Interesting question, Sir. May I presume you are unwed?"

"You would assume correctly."

"Well, I believe matrimony to be the finest of institutions – in the right time and place."

"Might you elaborate. What would you consider the correct time and place?"

"{Haha} You cut to the quick, I see. Not a man to mess about. In general, I believe the correct time to be _later_ and the correct place to be _somewhere else._"

"Excellent! We are of like minds on the matter. I believe the Spanish would call that _sympatico_. "

"An interesting discussion, Mr. Darcy. Does that in some way relate to your desire to meet me?"

"It does exactly. You will notice that I have a fairly large target painted on my back?"

"Yes, I can see that. I am surprised you can even get your waistcoat on."

"Exactly, and yet at seven and twenty, you see me unwed. Are you curious about how that is so?"

"Now that you bring it to my attention, I find I am a bit inquisitive."

"It will be my pleasure to enlighten you. I have what I call _The Safest Plan_, which is a scheme I worked out several years ago. It allows me to survive assemblies such as this _without_ acquiring any matrimonial partners, but also without making the entire neighborhood want to burn me at the stake. Before I had the plan, I would just stalk around the room keeping my back against the wall scowling, which kept me from the dangers of dancing, but really annoyed everyone in the locale. Now, I come in and out unscathed, and in fact, somewhat appreciated."

"Fascinating, Sir. You have been executing this plan successfully for years, then?"

"Yes."

"May I presume you will enlighten me on the process? But then, taking an apprentice is probably not a crucial part of the plan, so may I assume that you wish something from me?"

"{Haha} Very astute, Mr. Goulding. You see, my plan requires some detailed knowledge of the local society. I only arrived today, and fair warning of the assembly was withheld until the last minute, so I have not been able to procure the required intelligence."

"Curious, Sir. How do you usually go about it?"

"A gossipy valet is a gentleman's best weapon."

"{Hoho} I understand, Sir. An astute observation, that had never occurred to me. By pure chance, I happen to have one, but I dissuade him from sharing such nonsense with me."

"{Ha} Do that at your peril, Sir. The secret is to train the man in _which specific_ gossip you want to hear. It takes some effort, but if I were to remove my left glove and show you my ring finger, you could appreciate the value of the scheme."

"An excellent suggestion, Mr. Darcy. I shall implement it immediately. So, I assume in desperation, you asked around and found me as a suggested confidante in this enterprise."

"Yes… I have already sent one matron into the vapors by avoiding an obvious dancing trap, so I need to get to work. If I do not take corrective action, the entire neighborhood will end up thinking me _a most disagreeable, horrid man, not at all worth pleasing._"

"Yes, I can see that. So, tell me, Sir, how does this plan work?"

"It is simple really. Gentlemen are expected to dance. I assume you have had that drilled into your head?"

"{Ouch} With a mallet, Sir."

"Excellent, and who are we supposed to dance with?"

"According to our mothers, _marriageable_ ladies. According to the rules of propriety, _any_ woman."

"Exactly! So, the secret to surviving unscathed is to dance with ladies who are _not_ especially marriageable _for you_. As a naïve beginner you might settle on married ladies, older widows, or girls barely out of the schoolroom. That would not be the worst strategy in the world, but it lacks subtlety. Before a half‑dozen dances are done, you will be caught out and you may as well have sat the night out in the cardroom, which has its own dangers. I once saw a man go to the cardroom to avoid the ladies, only to end up gaining a wife in a hand of poker."

"Not a strategy I would recommend."

"Not ideal, no… although in that case, entirely by blind luck, he ended up with quite a charming wife and he is completely useless in helping me now. He has switched sides. I can assure you there is nothing more disconcerting than a traitor."

"So, Sir, which _are_ the ladies you would dance with."

"It is simplicity itself, once you understand the system. In any assembly, there are always ladies who are _not_ usually asked to dance for various reasons… or at least not by persons of consequence. None of them would entertain any notions of marrying several steps above their station, so if you can pick the right ones, you get a dance with someone who is not painful to spend the time with, who appreciates being asked, and who is not likely to entertain any crazy ideas. Everybody wins, but you need local information because some of them are not asked to dance because they are downright unpleasant, scheming or vulgar. I prefer to avoid them as I get enough of that having to dance with my host's sisters."

"So THAT is the great Darcy secret? _Dance with wallflowers?_"

"I prefer 'overlooked ladies'."

"Astounding. It is so simple, so obvious, so correct. Pure genius, Sir!"

"I thought you might like it."

"So, my task is to pick your 'overlooked ladies' for you and introduce you."

"Exactly, if you are willing. They should be intelligent enough to recognize it is not a mating ritual, pleasant enough to be able to survive a set, and far enough below my station to recognize I am just being polite. I need to dance with three, in addition to my host's sisters. At least one should be in trade. I mostly find tradesmen's daughters to be quite sensible, so long as you discuss things they are interested in, and any master of an estate who cannot discuss trade issues really should be put to pasture."

"I see why you need local information. All of that is simple enough for a local, but you could easily step in a rabbit hole without guidance."

"Will you help me, Mr. Goulding?"

"Let us get to it, Mr. Darcy. This should be interesting."

* * *

"Mr. Darcy, might I make you known to Miss Beatrice Curtis. Bea, this is Mr. Darcy of Pemberley in Derbyshire."

"A pleasure, Mr. Darcy."

"Likewise, Miss Curtis."

"Mr. Darcy, Bea is the daughter of our better farrier in town. If there is some obscure knowledge about horses that she does not possess, I have been unable to discover it."

"Excellent! That is an area of some fascination to me as well."

"Do not get me started, Mr. Darcy. I might also recommend you not leave that black wandering around the fields."

"Are you implying someone in these parts might have improper impulses, Miss Curtis?"

"I am saying it outright, Mr. Darcy… although I should only speak for myself."

"{Haha} If you are not otherwise engaged, might you dance the next with me, Miss Curtis?"

… …

… …

"Miss Curtis?"

… …

"**Me?**"

"Yes, you."

… …

"Dance?"

"Yes."

… …

"With ME?"

"If you are not otherwise engaged."

"I am not engaged, Sir. But…"

"{Shhsss} {Shhsss} None of that, Miss Curtis. Can you bear the exercise?"

"It will be my honor, Mr. Darcy."

… …

… …

"Miss Curtis, Mr. Goulding has assured me you are an expert on horseflesh, and you obviously noticed my black. What can you tell me about him?"

"Is that a serious question, Mr. Darcy?"

"Of course. Do you doubt it?"

"Yes, Sir. I must say, you are a somewhat peculiar gentleman. I am trying to sketch your character, but I cannot make it out at all. You ask a wallflower to dance…"

"I prefer _overlooked lady_."

"I prefer gentlemen who do not interrupt. As I was saying, you asked a wallflower to dance, and you expect me to speak rationally."

"Yes, that is about it. May I confide a secret, Miss Curtis?"

"I am dying to hear it, Mr. Darcy."

"I like intelligent conversation… and do not have the slightest skill in small talk. When I try it, I come across as an ill‑informed, ill‑mannered lout. There, I have said it. Shall I go outside and hang myself?"

"{Haha} You are so funny, Mr. Darcy… but you do not fool me."

"I do not! How so, Miss Curtis?"

"You ask wallflowers because we are the only ones that are not likely to try to hogtie you and drag you in front of the parson."

… …

"{Sigh} You have caught me out, Miss Curtis. Would it be amiss to say you are quite clever? I have been caught out before, but never five minutes into the very first dance in a neighborhood."

"Mr. Goulding chose me carefully, Mr. Darcy. I expect he is in on your little scheme?"

"Which scheme would that be?"

"{Smirk} To perform enough dances to keep the matrons off your back and keep from sinking your friend's reputation in the neighborhood. Wallflowers are your safest bet."

"You astound me, Miss Curtis. Are you offended at my duplicity?"

"Duplicity, Sir?"

"Yes, duplicity."

"I do not follow. Did you wish to dance, for some reason which is none of my business?"

"Yes."

"Did you ask me politely and correctly?"

"Yes."

"Did you speak to me courteously before asking?"

"Yes."

"Did I accept?"

"Yes."

"Then there is no duplicity involved, Mr. Darcy. My father's anvil has enough sense to know gentlemen like you do not marry farrier's daughters, even if we wanted them to, which we do NOT. No offense, Sir, but my ideas of ideal man‑flesh are wildly different from you. My ideal man would squash you like a bug."

"{Hoho} Well, Miss Curtis. It seems Mr. Goulding has chosen wisely."

"Shall we leave that topic, Mr. Darcy. Your black needs training. His gate is uneven. Mr. Bingley's brown beat you a fortnight ago when you came to inspect Netherfield. For that, you might want to reconsider that rope."

"{Sigh} Yes, I fear you are correct. He needs training. Shall I bring him to you, or will you come to Netherfield."

"{Ha} Bring him to my father. Appearances must be maintained."

"We understand each other, Miss Curtis."

… …

"Thank you, Mr. Darcy. The dance was wonderful. I shall see you on Monday."

"Oho, Darcy. Did she already get that black away from you?"

"I fear so, Mr. Goulding. Perhaps we might get some punch for the ladies. Miss Curtis, would you ask your friends if they would like some punch?"

* * *

"Well played, Sir. You are happy. Bea is happy. As you said, 'Everyone wins.'"

"Yes, though I have to say you played your own hand quite well. She is very clever. She worked out the specifics of my plan within a minute. Are you certain she will have no kind of expectations?"

"No, Sir. She would decline if you asked her. She has her own ambitions."

"{Oho} Am I to late to save you, Sir?"

"Not yet."

* * *

"Mr. Darcy, might I make you known to Miss Tabitha Drake? Miss Drake, this is Mr. Darcy of Pemberley in Derbyshire."

"I am pleased to meet you, Mr. Darcy."

"The pleasure is mine, Miss Drake."

"Are you the odd man who dances with wallflowers?"

"Apparently my reputation precedes me, but I do not generally use that term."

"Call us what you like, Mr. Darcy. We are what we are, and to be honest, dancing with most of these louts would be more trouble than it is worth."

"So why come to the assembly, if you do not mind me asking?"

"Same as you, Mr. Darcy. I have 'obligations' to meet."

"I see… well, since you know what I am about, shall we get on with it. Would you care to dance the next, Miss Drake?"

"It would be my pleasure, Mr. Darcy. {OOhhh} That was fun!"

"Fun, Miss Drake?"

"Do not look so perplexed, Mr. Darcy… nor distressed… I was simply enjoying saying _'it would be my pleasure' _and actually meaning it. Most of the time it is the polite way to say, _'I may as well because otherwise my mother will skin me alive'._"

"{Haha} Mr. Goulding, may I compliment you on your friends, Sir."

"I do my best, Mr. Darcy."

"Shall we, Miss Drake? The set is forming."

"Let us, Mr. Darcy. This is excellent. After dancing with you, I have fulfilled my obligation and I can go home."

"What will you do there, Miss Drake?"

"Sleep, Mr. Darcy. I open our shop early, so I must be up at the crack of dawn."

"Mr. Goulding neglected to tell me what you do, Miss Drake."

"My father owns the haberdashery."

"Excellent. Not that I am trying to bribe you, but my sister's birthday is coming up soon. She is to be sixteen. Do you have anything unusual you could recommend?"

"Is this the first time you asked a shop-girl for a recommendation, Mr. Darcy?"

"No. I do it with some regularity."

"Should I recommend the most expensive thing in the store?"

"If it is the best thing you have and appropriate for a sixteen‑year‑old, I will happily purchase it."

"You take all the fun out of it, Mr. Darcy."

"How about this for fun. You may pick something _a brother should not know about_. Put it in a sealed box, and I shall deliver it to her without ever looking at it. You can put an explanatory note inside."

"You would trust me to do that?"

"Would you cheat me?"

"Do I look stupid? Of course, I would not. You could ruin us. The whole operation is actually somewhat risky for me."

"That never occurred to me, Miss Drake. I shall either rescind the request, or I will say that no matter what you pick, I shall be satisfied, so long as you tell me you did your best."

"You are an odd man, Mr. Darcy."

"You are not the first to notice, Miss Drake."

"Come to the store on Wednesday. I shall have something for you."

"I thank you, Miss Drake."

* * *

"Well, Mr. Darcy… you have quite impressed our cadre of wallflo… err, overlooked ladies."

"Well, I must commend you on your first choices. I can usually hope for one mostly sensible partner at some point during the evening, and you delivered two in a row. One more completely out of reach lady, and then the obligatory dances with my hostess and I can retire."

"Well, Sir. I have the perfect one for you. She is sitting right over there in that chair watching the dancing. You are saved from the parson's noose for another evening, Mr. Darcy. I can assure you Sir, you could chop off your ring finger with an axe and you would not be any safer. "

"How exactly would that work? I mean, the axe seems such a blunt instrument. How would you bend the other fingers out of the way, and make sure you did not take the entire hand? I mean… a knife… even a hatchet, I can see it, but an axe for just one finger… it seems impractical… unsafe, possibly unsanitary."

"{Hoho} So you are a teasing man I can see. Seems like Bea has rubbed off on you."

"I can tease with the best of them when I am of a mind to do so. Now, I should point out that I am almost never of a mind to do so, but I do have the basic skills."

"Well, Sir. You should unleash your full wit on this next partner. She is of a shy and retiring disposition, and it takes some effort to get her into conversation, but when you do, I am certain you will not find it a punishment. She can be quite sensible when she wants to."

"I see. When does she want to?"

"Mostly when I am not around."

"Well, I trust your judgement, Sir. Lead on."

* * *

"Mr. Darcy, might I make you known to Miss Elizabeth Bennet of Longbourn? Lizzy, Mr. Darcy of Pemberley in Derbyshire."

~~ Finis ~~


End file.
